Albert Barnes Commentary Ephesians 6:4

"And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but nurture them in the chastening and admonition of the Lord." — Ephesians 6:4 (ASV)

And you fathers. A command addressed particularly to fathers because they are at the head of the family, and its government is especially committed to them. The object of the apostle here is to show parents that their commands should be easy to obey, or that are entirely reasonable and proper.

If children are required to obey, it is only reasonable that the commands of the parent should be commands they can obey, or commands that will not discourage the child in his attempt to obey. This statement is in accordance with what he had said in Ephesians 5:22-25 about the relationship between husband and wife.

It was the duty of the wife to obey—but it was the corresponding duty of the husband to show such a character that it would be pleasant for her to yield obedience—so to love her, that his known wish would be law to her. In like manner, it is the duty of children to obey a parent; but it is the duty of a parent to show such a character, and to maintain such a government, that it would be proper for the child to obey; to command nothing that is unreasonable or improper, but to train up his children in the ways of virtue and pure religion.

Provoke not your children to wrath. That is, by unreasonable commands, by needless severity, or by a display of anger. So govern them, and so punish them—if punishment is necessary—that they will not lose their confidence in you, but will love you. The apostle here has identified the very danger to which parents are most exposed in the government of their children. It is that of souring their temper, of making them feel that the parent is under the influence of anger, and that it is right for them to be so too.

This is done:

1. When the commands of a parent are unreasonable and severe. The spirit of a child then becomes irritated, and he is discouraged (Colossians 3:21).
2. When a parent is evidently excited when he punishes a child. The child then feels:
   1. that if his father is angry, it is not wrong for him to be angry; and
   2. the very fact of anger in a parent kindles anger in his heart—just as it does when two men are contending.
   If he submits in the case, it is only because the parent is the strongest, not because he is right; and the child cherishes anger, while he yields to power.

There is no principle of parental government more important than that a father should command his own temper when he administers punishment. He should punish a child not because he is angry, but because it is right; not because it has become a matter of personal contest, but because God requires that he should do it, and the welfare of the child demands it.

The moment a child sees that a parent punishes him under the influence of anger, that moment the child will likely be angry too—and his anger will be as proper as that of the parent. And yet how often is punishment administered in this manner! And how often does the child feel that the parent punished him simply because he was the strongest, not because it was right! And how often is the mind of a child left with a strong conviction that wrong has been done to him by the punishment he has received, rather than with repentance for the wrong that he has himself done!

But bring them up. Place them under such discipline and instruction that they will become acquainted with the Lord.

In the nurture, en paideia. The word here used means training of a child; hence education, instruction, discipline. Here it means that they are to train up their children in such a manner as the Lord approves; that is, they are to educate them for virtue and religion.

And admonition. The word here used—nouyesia—means, literally, a putting in mind; then warning, admonition, instruction. The sense here is, that they were to put them in mind of the Lord—of his existence, perfections, law, and claims on their hearts and lives. This command is positive, and is in accordance with all the requirements of the Bible on the subject.

No one can doubt that the Bible requires parents to endeavor to train up their children in the ways of religion, and of making it the grand purpose of this life to prepare them for heaven. It has been often objected that children should be left on religious subjects to form their own opinions when they are able to judge for themselves.

Infidels and irreligious men always oppose or neglect the duty required here; and the plea commonly is, that to teach religion to children is to make them prejudiced, to destroy their independence of mind, and to prevent their judging as impartially on so important a subject as they ought to. In reply to this, and in defense of the requirements of the Bible on the subject, we may remark:

1. That allowing a child to grow up without any instruction in religion is about the same as allowing a garden to lie without any cultivation. Such a garden would soon be overrun with weeds, briers, and thorns—but not sooner, or more certainly, than the mind of a child would.
2. Men do instruct their children in a great many things, and why should they not in religion? They teach them how to behave in company, the art of farming, the way to make or use tools, how to make money, and how to avoid the arts of the cunning seducer. But why should it not be said that all this tends to destroy their independence and to make them prejudiced? Why not leave their minds open and free, and allow them to form their own judgments about farming and the mechanic arts when their minds are matured?
3. Men do inculcate their own sentiments in religion. An infidel is not usually very anxious to conceal his views from his children. Men teach by example, by incidental remarks, and by the neglect of that which they regard as of no value. A man who does not pray is teaching his children not to pray; he who neglects the public worship of God is teaching his children to neglect it; he who does not read the Bible is teaching his children not to read it. Such is the constitution of things, that it is impossible for a parent not to inculcate his own religious views on his children. Since this is so, all that the Bible requires is that his instructions should be RIGHT,
4. To inculcate the truths of religion is not to make the mind narrow, prejudiced, and indisposed to perceive the truth. Religion makes the mind candid, conscientious, open to conviction, and ready to follow the truth. Superstition, bigotry, infidelity, and all error and falsehood, make the mind narrow and prejudiced.
5. If a man does not teach his children truth, others will teach them error. The young skeptic that the child meets in the street, the artful infidel, the hater of God, and the unprincipled stranger will teach the child. But is it not better for a parent to teach his child the truth than for a stranger to teach him error?
6. Religion is the most important of all subjects, and therefore it is of most importance that children on that subject should be taught TRUTH. Of whom can God so properly require this as of a parent? If it is asked in what way a parent is to bring up his children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, I answer:
   1. By directly inculcating the doctrines and duties of religion—just as he does anything else that he regards as of value.
   2. By placing them in the Sabbath school, where he may have a guarantee that they will be taught the truth.
   3. By conducting them—not merely sending them—to the sanctuary, that they may be taught in the house of God.
   4. By example—all teaching being valueless without that.
   5. By prayer for the Divine aid in his efforts, and for the salvation of their souls.
   These duties are plain, simple, easy to perform, and are such as a man knows he ought to perform. If neglected, and the soul of the child is lost, a parent has a most fearful account to render to God.